My Story
INTRODUCTION
Thank you for stopping by to check out my site and my story. When I first thought about designing a website of my own, I wondered what I could share with you that you couldn't find anywhere else on the world wide web. I let several months pass without any clue of what to do. The internet is such a wealth of information and I truly desired to share something unique and worthwhile. Finally early during the month of February 1999, I stumbled across these cool graphics by Karen and developed the idea of "Growing in the Garden". I consider life a process of growing, much like flowers & vegetables do in a real garden. I also thought I'd present you with quite a variety of plants to choose from so you can sample anything that peaks your interest. If you like my site, feel free to share it with a friend, or add it as a link to your page.
After I found the graphics I still wondered exactly what the content of my pages would hold. Again I waited for inspiration and it finally came on February 25. I knew I could only share something unique and worthwhile if it was about my very own experiences in life. No one else has walked in my shoes or lived my life. So that's what I'm doing now, sharing juicy morsels of things I have learned while living in this world. Some lessons I only had to learn once, but others I still haven't mastered to this day. I know my growth will never stop as long as I breathe this air, so I expect to keep adding new info to my site.
All ABOUT ME
My name is Terri Wenner and I was born and raised in Pennsylvania. I'm thirty something, happily married to Russ and we have been blessed with two beautiful, healthy children so far. I am also a Registered Nurse, full-time wife, mother & homemaker, and active in our church, Tabor United Methodist Church. In case you haven't noticed, I am also quite fond of the internet, and recently started designing webpages using FrontPage 98. I love to read, listen to music, and hang out with friends both on-line and off.
I grew up in a home with two parents, a younger sister and a younger brother. We lived in the suburbs and I went to Catholic school & church. We had two cars, a single home, a dog and to the outside world our life appeared basically normal. We never went without food, clothing or shelter but too often our hearts were left empty. There was always something to do, some goal to achieve, some lesson to learn but there never seemed to be real purpose to my life, or anyone else's for that matter. My parents gave me the best they had to give, they loved me and my siblings the best they could and I always knew I could come to them in times of physical need.
But still I had many problems on the inside. I always felt that I was just not good- enough, not pretty- enough, not tall or skinny enough, not smart-enough, quick-enough or really worth loving. I buried myself in work, and entered into the world of workaholism. I was a high achiever, striving for perfection and to "be all that I could be" so to speak. I went on to college and became a RN at a local hospital. I graduated with my ASN and continued on toward my BSN, while working full time at the hospital. I wonder how I did that sometimes. I kept looking to climb the career ladder, starting out as a nurse's assistant, on to GN, RN a telemetry unit and then on to Critical Care. What else could a high achiever do? Become a supervisor, yes I did that too.
I always struggled with relationships in my life. I've been burned by so many people during my life and I actually tried to commit suicide as an escape from the pain of being rejected as a teen. I started out thinking I would never get married or have a boyfriend. Then a few guys came along and offered me some attention for awhile. I was so afraid to be alone, that I hung on much longer than I should have. I just continued to have deep pain inside, a feeling of emptiness and lack of purpose or real love.
LOVE & MARRIAGE
THEN IT HAPPENED- I met my dear husband, Russ in 1988 and the world became a wonderful place. I was "in love", I was happy all the time, always having fun & excitement. I was working, still going to school, and made the step of moving out of my parents home. I was independent, had a good job, nice place to live, etc. So we got married and started to fulfill the American dream. We bought a home, rescued a precious doggie from the SPCA and had our first child in 1992. We both worked full time and spent money on whatever we needed, as soon as we needed it.
After the birth of our daughter, I became severely depressed. I was so sleep deprived and irritable. I tried to nurse her, but she was never satisfied and I was never relaxed or content either. I began to hate being at home alone with her. It wasn't her that I disliked, but the hard work and sacrifice that came with having a newborn. I became quite miserable and nearly impossible to live with. When it was time to return to work, I did so with mixed feelings. I didn't want to leave my newborn, but I didn't want to stay home all the time with all the responsibility either. I convinced myself that it was best for all of us if I continued to work full time.
At that time both Russ & I worked full time second shift and our parents watched our daughter. She was always with family that loved and cared for her. But I still lacked purpose in my life. I just kept on doing what seemed to come next.
In 1994 we had our second child, a son. Back to the lack of sleep routine again, and back came the depression, or maybe it never left. If you ask Russ, it never left, just subsided for awhile. I was angry most of the time. I had many emotional outbursts and at times hated being alive. For some reason, I never considered suicide this time, just wished the world would come to an end. Russ prayed that something would change to make life bearable for his family. He loved us but life was anything but fun for him. I was too preoccupied to care much about how Russ' life was after all, my life was Terrible . I had everything that I thought I wanted, and I still could not find peace or happiness or contentment. I was convinced it was never to be found. All I did was work and take care of kids & the house. At least after my son was born, I cut back my hours at the hospital to only part time.
DEPRESSION: LETS FIX THIS MESS
Enough was enough. If there was a way out of this hole I needed to find it. I felt so guilty for being so miserable, that I became more miserable, if that was possible. I was certainly no award winning mom or wife at this point. This was just about the time I became a nursing supervisor too. Just add a little job stress to everything else, it was as though I truly reached the end of my rope. I was able to hold myself together pretty well at work. I was never the most positive person you ever met, but people wouldn't have guessed I wanted to die.
I finally agreed to seek help and was put on medication (Zoloft) and started seeing a counselor. We talked about the underlying problems of low self esteem, and lack of positive friendships in my life. We discussed the reasons why people become perfectionistic and workaholics. I was able to see that the depression was really an outward expression of deep down problems. But I wanted to know how to fix it, not explain it. The medication helped me focus more clearly, think through problems and gave me a somewhat elevated mood. But I knew the medication was temporary until I could get my act together. The treatment was helping a little, but not fast enough and I dreaded the thought of endless counseling sessions with little improvement.
One Sunday on the way to work I started to cry out to God. I always believed there was a God, I just never thought he cared much about me. My husband told me he had been praying for me and so were other people like a friend named Boyd & his church. Anyway this particular Sunday, I said to God, "You need to fix this mess or kill me, I just can not go on living this way." The tears were flowing all the way to work, and when I got there I wiped them away and went on working.
A NEW BOOK TO READ
One week later Russ went on a daytrip and left me home with the kids and the dog. I was never one to venture into new places by my self, especially with two young children. But that day I took a trip to a Wal-Mart that I had never been to before. I wasn't totally sure how to get there, but I decided to go. While there I picked up a book on the self-help rack entitled "How to Win Over Depression" by Tim LaHaye. I didn't realize it when I picked it up by it was a Christian book and talked alot about God. If I had known, I may not have bought it, but it only cost about $5 dollars so it was worth a try.
When I got home, the children were very well behaved and I spent most of my afternoon & evening reading my new book. The book seemed to be written just for me. It spoke of having unmet love needs and being stuck in self-pity. Well, I don't want to spoil the book for you, so get yourself a copy. But I'd love to tell you what happened to me that night.
A NEW PERSPECTIVE
Everyone had gone to bed and I was still deeply entrenched in reading my book. I just couldn't put it down. Soon I came to a part that said to dwell in self pity was a SIN. It came right out and said that I WAS A SINNER. How dare they say that, I was the victim here. But I read on and it said that WE ARE ALL SINNERS. WOW, the whole world is full of sinners? Well, great, what are we supposed to do about it? That meant I would never achieve the perfection I was trying to attain on my own.
As I read on the book said that God had a plan to free everyone from punishment for all the sins they commit. It said that Jesus, God's son, died to pay that price. When we have disobeyd and been ungrateful to our Creator (Sinned), a price must be paid. Basically, for all the sinning that we humans do, we all deserve to die. But God loves us and wants us to be in a close relationship with Him. He doesn't want us to die, but to live with Him forever in heaven.
The whole purpose of life is to come into a personal relationship with Jesus, who died so that you may live. The relationship can happen any time you are ready to start it. It's available for all people of any generation. This is the relationship that will bring you the Love, Joy, Peace, Patience & Purpose that I was longing for. Every person has a hole in them that will not be filled until it is filled with God's Love. Some refer to this as a God shaped hole in your heart. It will stay empty until You ask Jesus to come into your heart and fill it.
IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN BEGINNING A RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS, YOU CAN DO IT RIGHT NOW. PLEASE GO TO THIS LINK AND IT WILL HELP YOU. INVITING JESUS IN!
A VERY SPECIAL VISITOR:
I WAS HEALED OF THE DEPRESSION:
PRAISE THE LORD!!!
That night I prayed the prayer to invite Jesus into my life. It was such an awesome experience, I wanted to tell the whole world about it. I suddenly felt a presence in the room that I couldn't explain and then I physically felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt warm, comforted and at total peace. I had no fear of the future, no desire to leave this world, and I had a purpose for living. I clearly sensed the Lord's presence & He told me that my purpose was primarily to raise my children to know and love the Lord, as I would learn to do. My purpose was to be the best wife my husband could have. My purpose was to allow my life to be changed by the power of the Holy Spirit and tell others how they could begin a relationship with Jesus, leading them to eternal life too.
I didn't really know what had happened to me at the time, other than it felt wonderful. I woke up the next morning bright and early (and I usually love to sleep late). It happened to be my husband's birthday (Oct 2) and I couldn't wait to tell him what had happpened. He told me that I had experienced that Baptism of the Holy Spirit and that he had been praying for a long time for this to happen. What a cool birthday present.
I had not been to church for many years, but I had a burning desire to go the following Sunday. I went to Tabor United Methodist Church and told them my story. I met Pastor Tim Kriebel there and many others who have helped me straigten my life out. I am so grateful to all of them.
My desire with my webpage is to share a bit of the joy & love that I have come to know by accepting Jesus into my life. You can have the same thing, it you are willing to accept this gift.
Those who know me, know that I haven't yet been perfected, nor will that ever happen while I'm still here on earth. I still get bummed out at times, I still slip & fall & make tons of mistakes. But I know that my life is in the hands of the One that made the world and I feel very safe there. I know He has my best interest at heart, he made me and he loves me. He made & loves you too. The Holy Bible is God speaking to us. I look there everytime I'm having trouble knowing what path to take. God is faithful, he will never leave me. His Word is my rulebook for life. Until I return to live with God in heaven, I wish to spend my days on earth learning to love Him and follow Him. I will Praise Him name forever. Thank You Lord, I was healed!!!
Go here for a copy of the Holy Bible - Bible Gateway
If you want to discuss this further, please email me at Terri@thewenners.com
You are listening to
"I Can See Clearly Now"
This page was last
updated on 05/22/04.
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